Christmas FM Experiment | FC Santa Claus | Part 2: Relentless Rudolph

Christmas was always a particularly hectic time of year for Kris Kringle, but 2023 was his busiest yet. No sooner than he was done with the sizeable task of delivering presents to every child around the world than he and his reindeer were reporting for action at FC Santa Claus.

Kringle had 33 days before the Finnish season began, so he spent January tucked up in his delightfully quaint Lapland grotto navigating the web for football staff. And, thanks to all the best staff in the world being unattached, he had a veritable treasure chest to choose from. As a result, he recruited the likes of Dennis Bergkamp, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Jaap Stam, Arjen Robben, Bojan Krkic, Dario Simic, Fredrik Ljungberg, Seb Larsson, Enzo Scifo, Gary McAllister, Andreas Isaksson, Jussi Jaaskelainen and Nuno Gomes as he built an all-star backroom team. Additionally, before they’d even played a game for FC Santa Claus, all 11 custom players were called up by Finland and Rudolph Red-Nosed Reindeer scored on debut in a 3-0 win over Kazakhstan.

Getting Started With FC Santa Claus

Kringle’s reign began with the pre-season Ykkos Cup group stage and a home game against JJK for which 137,361 expectant fans amassed in typically freezing conditions. They got a shock as JJK scored a 30-yarder out of nowhere but soon got into their stride as Rudolph crossed for 6ft 11in Comet Reindeer to head home the equaliser. The big striker swiftly teed up winger Dancer Reindeer to put them ahead before Prancer Reindeer crossed for Rudolph to tap home from close range. Rudolph missed a penalty but quickly wrapped up his debut hat trick before Prancer sealed a 6-2 win.

Unfortunately, Vixen Reindeer broke his leg in training the next week (despite all players having 1 injury proneness) so Kringle was forced into an emergency first signing. And it was quite a good one in Portuguese midfielder Joao Veloso for £3.5m from Benfica. The cup continued with 6-1 wins at KPV and SJK Akatemia led by Comet and Rudolph doubles. That took them into a quarter final at TPS, in which Rudolph’s brace led a 5-2 win before he repeated the feat in a 4-2 semi win at EIF. That took them into a maiden Ykkos Cup Final, which they won 5-1 with both Comet and Rudolph again scoring twice.

The Ykkonen league campaign didn’t start for another month but it was well worth the wait as Rudolph bagged a hat trick in a 7-0 thumping of KaPa away. The first league game at Santa’s Grotto was almost as good, a 6-0 victory over JaPS in which they racked up 37 shots and 5.52 xG. Rudolph bagged another hat trick and missed his 3rd penalty out of 6 this season as they breezed past TPS 4-0.

That goal-filled start teed up the toughest test of the season as FC Santa Claus visited EIF, the 2nd favourites to win Ykkonen. And, despite allowing the hosts to score their first 2 shots on target, Kringle’s reindeer proved their dominance in a 5-2 victory inspired by Prancer’s hat trick and Rudolph’s brace already taking him to 26 goals for the season.

That set the tone for a dominant start to the campaign, including Rudolph firing 5 in an 8-1 hammering at MP and 4 in a 9-0 thrashing of HIFK, 11-1 win at JaPS and 10-0 thumping of MP. But they didn’t let up there, going on to win all 22 regular season league games, scoring 121 goals and conceding just 9 in the process. That didn’t initially look like enough for promotion ahead of the Ykkonen group stage. However, just as that began, it was announced that FC Santa Claus had indeed secured the Ykkonen title.

They still had to play out the promotion group stage, which began with Comet scoring 4 in a 9-0 battering of 5th-place Gnistan followed by Rudolph going 1 better in a 12-0 annihilation of TPS. And they went on to win 27 out of 27, scoring 168 and conceding 11. Rudolph finished as top scorer with 60 goals and got a 9.10 average rating in 25 league games while Prancer racked up a league-high 26 assists and Father Christmas got 18 clean sheets.

Another Shot At Cup Success

Kringle eyed more cup success in the RespectSuomen Cup, which began with 13-0 annihilation of IFK Jakobstad. Rudolph scored 3 as they won another goalfest 5-3 at EIF, which set up a first meeting with a top-tier side, leaders SJK. They showed their class in a 3-2 away win thanks to Dancer’s late winner then breezed past TPS 2-0.

That set up the biggest test yet in a trip to 32-time and reigning Finnish champions HJK. They dominated the game only to concede the first two shots. But they walked away with it 5-3 thanks to Vixen’s brace and Rudolph’s hat trick. They claimed another huge scalp in the semis as current holders KuPS were brushed aside thanks to Rudolph’s 37th-minute strike.

A historic first Suomen Cup Final for FC Santa Claus saw them go up against mid-table top tier side FC Lahti at Helsingin Olympiastadion. They came out and dominated with 17 shots and 63% possession in the first half but, obviously, Lahti scored their first shot on target. But they didn’t panic and two great crosses saw Comet turn the game on its head before Rudolph drilled home a 3rd.

FC Santa Claus wrapped up a treble and qualified for the European Conference League!

Assessing Season 1 At FC Santa Claus

This had been a dominant campaign with Kringle winning 40 out of 40 in league and cup, scoring 232 and conceding just 29 en route to winning an FC Santa Claus treble. The next task is for this young squad to win the Finnish title and claim European success.

Rudolph was absolutely phenomenal, scoring 84 goals with an 8.92 average rating in 37 games. Comet scored 45 in 37 followed by Dancer (25), Prancer (22) and Cupid (16) while Prancer was the main creative force with 41 assists followed by Dancer (27), Cupid (22), Rudolph (18), Veloso (17) and Dasher (15). And the lowest average rating of the custom players was centre back Blitzen’s 7.16.

Looking away from Finland, the results of our destruction of big teams saw dramatic effects. In England, Tottenham, Man UFC and Liverpool were relegated with a combined 27 points and -392 goal difference while Aston Villa won the league. Barca, Madrid and Atlético all went down as Villarreal claimed their first title, PSG went down with 0 points, Bayern were relegated with 5 points, and Inter and Milan both went down as I realised I annoyingly hadn’t destroyed Juve enough.